Joke Tuesday.

*Stay  Off Your Bicycle*

 

*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer)  could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found  that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears.
He cleaned both  ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell  Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to  the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears  once a month. *
*Andrea went to the store and bought some  “Nair” hair remover. *
*At the register, the pharmacist told  her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant  for a few days.” *
*Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my  arms.” *
*The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your  legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.” *
*Andrea  replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either.
 If you  must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.” *
The pharmacist  said, “Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week. 

Joke Tuesday.

 Seniors:

    Hints on how to liven up your idle hours…

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars…watch ’em Slow Down!
2. On all your cheque stubs, write ‘For Marijuana’! 3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
3. Order a Diet Water with two ice cubes and no sharp edges whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 5. Sing Along At The Opera. 6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
4. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives!  They’re Loose!’
5. Tell Your Children over dinner:  ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go…

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

 

 

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.      It’s called ‘therapy’! and I sure need some of that.

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: The Black Bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

 

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

 

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

 

Here’s how it all went.

 

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

 

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

 

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

No joke today.

Jake, an old favourite of the pub dogs has, sadly, gone to the big kennel in the sky. He was 14, but had gone deaf and blind, and the back legs had gone, so Roger, his owner did the honourable thing.

I wish they did this for humans too!!

 

Joke Tuesday.

Confucius Say:
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don’t let a kiss fool you.
  
Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.
  
Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.
  
Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy
 
Confucius Say:
A drunken man’s words
are a sober man’s thoughts.
  
Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put  it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.
  
Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland …
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
  
Confucius Say:
It is  much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.
  
Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don’t get  it.

Joke Tuesday.

What deep thinkers men are… I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’.  At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

 

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

 

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.   Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.   A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”   On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.

 

Time for another beer.

 

Home news.

Had fun last night….not!!

Got up for a pee at about 2am, feeling bleary-eyed. Went back to bed and fell off the bed, banging my head and knee!!

Dad can’t pick me up anymore, so he called an ambulance. Two lovely lady paramedics arrived and hoisted me up onto the bed. They checked me over, blood pressure, normal, no major pains.

Woke up this morning, and my left foots’ big toe is black and hurting like hell!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it’s broken!

Joke Tuesday.

Confucius – One Smart Man!!!         Confucius Say: It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.    Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.    Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.    Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy   Confucius Say: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.    Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put  it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.    Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland … a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.    Confucius Say: It is  much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.    Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get  it.

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: Passwords – so true

Password

Please set a password to register.

cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50soddingboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

50SODDINGboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYours,IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYoursIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use !

Pub news.

Another packed Sunday lunch/afternoon/evening, although I don’t do the evening shift!!

There was a twist to the day, however. When I arrived, on time, my space at the usual table where my wheelchair goes was taken!! My good mate, the beer monster soon sorted things out and normal service was resumed.

The reason for this was the annual gathering (180) of the “Goodacre” clan. The family own about half the properties in three local villages. There was an all female Morris type dance troupe, but I couldn’t get out to get any photos! They came from all over the world, Chile being the farthest away.

Back to normal today!