Archive | July 2014

Joke Tuesday.

Confucius Say:
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don’t let a kiss fool you.
 
 
Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.
 
 
Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.
 
 
Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy
 
Confucius Say:
A drunken man’s words
are a sober man’s thoughts.
 
 
Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put  it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.
 
 
Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland …
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
 
 
Confucius Say:
It is  much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.
 
 
Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don’t get  it.

This entry was posted on July 29, 2014. 3 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

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What deep thinkers men are… I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’.  At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

 

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

 

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.   Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.   A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”   On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.

 

Time for another beer.

 

This entry was posted on July 22, 2014. 5 Comments

Home news.

Had fun last night….not!!

Got up for a pee at about 2am, feeling bleary-eyed. Went back to bed and fell off the bed, banging my head and knee!!

Dad can’t pick me up anymore, so he called an ambulance. Two lovely lady paramedics arrived and hoisted me up onto the bed. They checked me over, blood pressure, normal, no major pains.

Woke up this morning, and my left foots’ big toe is black and hurting like hell!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it’s broken!

Joke Tuesday.

 
 
 
 
 
Confucius – One Smart Man!!!
       
Confucius Say:
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don’t let a kiss fool you.
  
Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.
  
Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.
  
Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy
 
Confucius Say:
A drunken man’s words
are a sober man’s thoughts.
  
Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put  it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.
  
Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland …
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
  
Confucius Say:
It is  much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.
  
Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don’t get  it.
 
This entry was posted on July 15, 2014. 3 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: Passwords – so true

Password

Please set a password to register.

cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50soddingboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

50SODDINGboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYours,IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYoursIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use !

This entry was posted on July 8, 2014. 6 Comments

Pub news.

Another packed Sunday lunch/afternoon/evening, although I don’t do the evening shift!!

There was a twist to the day, however. When I arrived, on time, my space at the usual table where my wheelchair goes was taken!! My good mate, the beer monster soon sorted things out and normal service was resumed.

The reason for this was the annual gathering (180) of the “Goodacre” clan. The family own about half the properties in three local villages. There was an all female Morris type dance troupe, but I couldn’t get out to get any photos! They came from all over the world, Chile being the farthest away.

Back to normal today!

Joke Tuesday.

 A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the  wedding, he laid down the following rules:

‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time   
I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.   
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless   
 I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.   
 I’ll  go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing   
 when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you   
 give me a hard time about it.   
Those are my rules.  Any comments?’ 
           
 His new bride said:   
 ‘No, that’s fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’ 
 
With thanks to my good friend, Karelian Blonde!
This entry was posted on July 1, 2014. 1 Comment