‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?’
His new bride said:
‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’With thanks to my good friend, Karelian Blonde!
Nearly the end of June. Wimbledoom has started, Glastonbury has started, so, naturally it’s p*ssing it down and i’ve just put the gas fire on!! (13c)!
Remember those days?
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date with Annabella.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell..
‘Oh, come on in!’ Annabella’s mother said as she welcomed James.
‘Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?’
‘Tea, please,’ James said. Mum brought the tea.
‘So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?’ she asked interestedly.
‘Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.’
‘Annabella likes to screw, you know,’ Mum informed him.
‘Really?’James gasped, surprised to say the least.
‘Oh yes,’ mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!’
‘Is that so?’ asked James, incredulously.
‘Oh yes,’she said.
‘As a matter of fact,she’d screw all night if we let her!’
‘Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!’ James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted James..
‘Have fun, kids!’ mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
‘The Twist, Mum!’ she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
‘The bloody dance is called the ……. Twist!’
the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pyjamas, and I can’t be
bothered with cooking tonight!
“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”
Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.
He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.
“Shhhh” said the wife, ” there is nothing to confess”.
She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.
“NO!!” the husband replied ” I must die in peace…I had sex with your,sister,
“I know,” she whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes.
The pub was packed today with a party of ramblers, 30 of them. And then, as is the norm, all and sundry walked in too!
I’m back on the desktop for now, anyway so, hopefully the jokes will be back tomorrow!! 😀
I’m afraid there wont be a joke today as my computer monitor wont switch on. My friend, who looks after all things technical is on holiday in Spain. Typical isn’t it? Fear not, I’ll be back soon!
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
‘If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.’
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth…
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince’s pants?
M&M’s of course.
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons.
It was amazing how the memories came flooding back.
I recalled of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – so I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like that either – so again, I had it.
It was the same with Bitter, IPA, Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.
The pub was packed again, my Sunday lunch was wonderful, again, and it’s been warm and sunny….again! Oh, and Dad is asleep in his little haven at the bottom of the garden….again!! 😀