Archive | May 2014

Joke Tuesday.

Once upon  a time there lived a king.
The king had a  beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.. 

But  there was a problem. Everything the princess  touched would melt.
No matter  what;

Metal, 
Wood, 
Stone, 
Anything  she touched would melt. 

Because  of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would  dare marry her.

The  king despaired. What could he do to help his  daughter?

He  consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard  told the king,
‘If your daughter touches one  thing that does not melt in her  hands, 
she will  be cured.’

The  king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. 

The  next day, he held a competition. Any man that  could bring his daughter
an object  that would not melt would marry her and inherit  the king’s wealth…

THREE  YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The  first brought a sword of the finest steel. 

But  alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. 
The prince went away sadly . 

The second  prince brought diamonds. 

He thought  diamonds are the hardest substance in the world  and would not melt. But alas, once the princess  touched them, they melted. 

He too  was sent away disappointed.   

The  third prince approached. He told the princess, 
‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is  in there.’

The princess did as she was  told, though she turned red . 

She  felt something hard. She held it in her hand. 
And it did  not melt!!!

The  king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was  overjoyed.

And  the third prince married the princess and they  both lived happily ever after. 

Question:  What was in the prince’s pants? 

M&M’s  of course.

 

They  melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 
What  were you thinking??     
I STILL  WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!Image

This entry was posted on May 27, 2014. 2 Comments

Joke Tuesday.


I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons.
It was amazing how the memories came flooding back.

I recalled of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – so I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like that either – so again, I had it.

It was the same with Bitter, IPA, Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.
This entry was posted on May 20, 2014. 3 Comments

Pub news and other drivel.

The pub was packed again, my Sunday lunch was wonderful, again, and it’s been warm and sunny….again! Oh, and Dad is asleep in his little haven at the bottom of the garden….again!! 😀

This entry was posted on May 18, 2014. 3 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

Whether 
Conservative, Liberal
 
or
 
Labor
 , I think 
you’ll get 
a kick out of
 
this! 

A little boy goes to his 
dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’ 

Dad says, ‘Well son, let 
me try to explain it this way: 

I am the head of the 
family, so call me The Prime Minister. 

Your mother is the 
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. 

We are here to take care 
of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. 

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. 

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’ 

So the little boy goes 
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 

Later that night, he 
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. 

He finds that the baby 
has severely soiled his nappy. 

So the little boy goes 
to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. 
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.. 

He gives up and goes back to bed. 

The next morning, the 
little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘ 

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words 
what you think politics is all  about.’


The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. 
The People are being ignored and 
the Future is in deep shit.’
This entry was posted on May 13, 2014. 5 Comments

Pub news.

Busy today again. There was a wake in the pub today, with about 80 mourners. Just as they started filing in the CD player started playing Simple Minds, “Alive and Kicking” !!!!

This entry was posted on May 8, 2014. 2 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. 

 

 

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. 

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, 
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful  that he
begins to cry. 

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong. 

“I feel terrible,” he explains,
“I accidentally hit the Easter
Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.”
 


The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” 

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead 
Easter Bunny, bends down, 
and sprays the contents onto him. 

The  Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, 
hops another ten feet,
 
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
“What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?” 

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says.

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

 

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

“Hair Spray 

Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave.”

This entry was posted on May 6, 2014. 6 Comments

Pub news.

Packed again today. All tables booked and the back room too!

Had a good laugh with one of my old mates who I see now and then.

The usual suspects were all in yesterday, as it was my turn to pay for the food! Having known each other for 35/40 years there is an understanding of trust between us, so, I know that the next few weeks I’ll eat for free!

This entry was posted on May 4, 2014. 7 Comments