*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month. * *Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. * *At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.” * *Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.” * *The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.” * *Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.” * The pharmacist said, “Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
Confucius Say: It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy
Confucius Say: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest. Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland … a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want. Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.
What deep thinkers men are… I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men aredeep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.