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Joke Tuesday.

 A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the  wedding, he laid down the following rules:

‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time   
I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.   
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless   
 I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.   
 I’ll  go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing   
 when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you   
 give me a hard time about it.   
Those are my rules.  Any comments?’ 
           
 His new bride said:   
 ‘No, that’s fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’ 
 
With thanks to my good friend, Karelian Blonde!
This entry was posted on July 1, 2014. 1 Comment

General drivel.

Nearly the end of June. Wimbledoom has started, Glastonbury has started, so, naturally it’s p*ssing it down and i’ve just put the gas fire on!! (13c)!

😦

This entry was posted on June 28, 2014. 4 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

Remember those days?

 
It   was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date  with Annabella.

He  arrived at her house and rang the bell.. 

‘Oh,  come on in!’ Annabella’s mother said as she welcomed James. 

‘Have  a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to  drink? Lemonade?  Tea?’

‘Tea,  please,’ James said. Mum  brought the tea.

‘So, what are you and Annabella planning to do  tonight?’ she asked interestedly.

‘Oh,  probably go to the flicks  and then maybe  grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk  on the beach afterwards.’

‘Annabella  likes to screw, you know,’  Mum informed him.

‘Really?’James gasped, surprised to say the least. 

‘Oh yes,’ mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends,  that’s all they do!’

‘Is that so?’ asked James,  incredulously.

‘Oh  yes,’she said.

‘As a matter of fact,she’d screw all night if we let  her!’

‘Phew!  Well, thanks for the tip!’ James  said as he  began thinking about alternative plans for  the evening.

A moment  later, Annabella  came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,  wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy  ponytail.

She greeted James..

‘Have fun, kids!’ mother said as  they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella  burst into the house and slammed the front door behind  her.

‘The Twist, Mum!’  she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

‘The  bloody dance is called the ……. Twist!’ 

This entry was posted on June 24, 2014. 3 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

A Testimony to true friendship
A man brings his friend home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work.
His wife screams at him, as his friend listens in,
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess,
the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pyjamas, and I can’t be
bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell did you bring him home for?”

“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

This entry was posted on June 17, 2014. 3 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

A loving wife…

Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.
He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, ” there is nothing to confess”.

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied ” I must die in peace…I had sex with your,sister,

your best friend, her best friend and your best friend’s mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes.

This entry was posted on June 10, 2014. 5 Comments

Pub news and home news!

The pub was packed today with a party of ramblers, 30 of them. And then, as is the norm, all and sundry walked in too!

I’m back on the desktop for now, anyway so, hopefully the jokes will be back tomorrow!! 😀

This entry was posted on June 9, 2014. 4 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

I’m afraid there wont be a joke today as my computer monitor wont switch on. My friend, who looks after all things technical is on holiday in Spain. Typical isn’t it? Fear not, I’ll be back soon!

This entry was posted on June 3, 2014. 5 Comments

Joke Tuesday.

Once upon  a time there lived a king.
The king had a  beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.. 

But  there was a problem. Everything the princess  touched would melt.
No matter  what;

Metal, 
Wood, 
Stone, 
Anything  she touched would melt. 

Because  of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would  dare marry her.

The  king despaired. What could he do to help his  daughter?

He  consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard  told the king,
‘If your daughter touches one  thing that does not melt in her  hands, 
she will  be cured.’

The  king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. 

The  next day, he held a competition. Any man that  could bring his daughter
an object  that would not melt would marry her and inherit  the king’s wealth…

THREE  YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The  first brought a sword of the finest steel. 

But  alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. 
The prince went away sadly . 

The second  prince brought diamonds. 

He thought  diamonds are the hardest substance in the world  and would not melt. But alas, once the princess  touched them, they melted. 

He too  was sent away disappointed.   

The  third prince approached. He told the princess, 
‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is  in there.’

The princess did as she was  told, though she turned red . 

She  felt something hard. She held it in her hand. 
And it did  not melt!!!

The  king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was  overjoyed.

And  the third prince married the princess and they  both lived happily ever after. 

Question:  What was in the prince’s pants? 

M&M’s  of course.

 

They  melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 
What  were you thinking??     
I STILL  WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!Image

This entry was posted on May 27, 2014. 2 Comments

Joke Tuesday.


I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons.
It was amazing how the memories came flooding back.

I recalled of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – so I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like that either – so again, I had it.

It was the same with Bitter, IPA, Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.
This entry was posted on May 20, 2014. 3 Comments

Pub news and other drivel.

The pub was packed again, my Sunday lunch was wonderful, again, and it’s been warm and sunny….again! Oh, and Dad is asleep in his little haven at the bottom of the garden….again!! 😀

This entry was posted on May 18, 2014. 3 Comments